I’m Guessing Victoria’s Secret Wasn’t Stretch Marks

NaNoWriMo Day 17 word count: 29,956

I have no idea what in my recent history caused me to be flagged as a person who should be receiving Victoria’s Secret, but clearly someone thought it was worthwhile for me or Current Resident (also me) to receive the catalog because there was one in my mailbox this afternoon. This is the first Victoria’s Secret catalog I’ve seen in, I think, about a decade.

Victoria’s Secret is a strange catalog. The women’s mouths are all partway open and everyone’s hyper-extending their backs. And I had no idea over-the-knee boots went with hot pants. But then, what else would they go with?

Perusing this catalog, I started wondering how nursing-friendly these clothes would be. Some, like the button-up PJs, would be quite nursing friendly. In fact, there was a model wearing some satin PJs the way I often wear my plaid flannel PJs (with the top completely unbuttoned and nothing on underneath). Maybe she’s a breastfeeding mom whose baby still wakes to nurse several times a night, just like my baby does. If that’s the case, I really want to know what exercises she did to get her belly so flat.

My mom actually wears as pajamas a velour warm-up suit like the ones they were selling in the catalog. She bought one for me when she was visiting. It’s quite comfy, but I have a suspicion we don’t look much like the models in the catalog when my mom and I are wearing our velour warm-up suits. My loose belly skin always kind of hangs over the waist of the pants more than these models’ tummies do.

I began imagining the catalog with real-life moms as models, something like a Victoria’s Secret meets The Shape of a Mother. In this imaginary catalog, stretch marks and green and purple veins radiate from the tops of push-up bras. Thighs are rippled rather than taut, just as nature intended. Calves resemble topographical maps with varicosities forming the contour lines. The exposed midriffs look deflated or doughy, depending on whether the model is contracting her transverse abdominals or not. Flesh yields to elastic waistbands. I know some of these models are moms, but I don’t understand how they’ve avoided stretch marks, cellulite, and that inelastic skin on their bellies that I thought was universal.

I think maybe I’m not getting adequate sleep. Combine this with the waking-dream state I enter when I’m working on my novel, and weird things happen. Weird, but kind of awesome, too. I would appreciate a catalog with models in it whose bodies look more like mine. Maybe.